Insanity

First furry head furred. opinions and crit welcome. ^-^

2009-10-05T06:13:26Z

Hello all! I furred my first fursuit head. He isn't quite finished, but it's getting there!! I'm enjoying myself. ;)

I still need to shave it and what not. The eyes are just set there, to see what it might look like. Same with the nose. He is very fluffy. ^-^; So, yeah, any constructive criticism is very much welcome!! I've been having lots of fun with this project and hope to improve for my next suits. Thanks!!

Another wolf dream

2009-08-28T19:06:04Z

So, this one is a bit different. This time, he forced me to stay with him. Not in a mean way or what not, but like I was so captivated that I simply couldn't leave. After a bit I didn't want to leave anyhow. He simply smiled at me and I could only watch in return. He wasn't threatening in the least and it confused me how he scared me so much before. I watched and listened silently as those bad things would no longer chase me, with him around. All I could feel is confusion and wonder as he began to tell me something. I understood the first few words just fine. "You are safe, now, and always will be. I won't let you go again." Again, confusion. "I fail to understand." He frowned lightly at me and then began talking again. This time it was muffled and hard to understand. I got closer to possibly hear him better, but his image wavered. He shimmered and then standing there was a man rather than my golden wolf. I let myself shift shape as well. I could hardly make out his features. He had blond hair, with gold/green/blue eyes. Beautiful. He looked frusterated and irritated by this time, me not being able to understand him still. He slipped into a different language now. It sounded German, but I could be hearing wrong. I move a bit closer again and suddenly he looks very angery. He screams but its silent to my ears, then a bright flash and he is gone.

Left alone

2009-03-14T05:37:51Z

You know, there's just times I want to scream. Why do people feel that they are the only ones hurt out of anything that happens? Simply because I can control my emotions and feelings doesn't mean I haven't been or can't be hurt. It's starting to get really ridiculous. I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to explain over and over, yet it still happens. I don't get it. I'm starting to get unsure if I want to get it. I can't do anything, can't help you, no matter how much I want to. I'm at a loss...I really am. I'm just so tired from tossing and turning back and forth to try to figure things out, but all I can think to do it let it go. ...I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Dying Wishes and Living Dreams P1 (read the whole thing please!!!)

2008-04-23T07:07:12Z

She came to me again, crying for the millionth time. I held her to me, a gentle smile on my face as I sat in the center of the room, her in my lap and against my body. She gripped my shirt as if never wanting me to let her go. I wasn’t sure myself if I wanted to let her go. Her curves seemed to fit so well with my own, it made my skin tingle. She made me feel so strong yet so weak at the same time. I felt her shift lightly in my lap so I shifted too, loosening my hold around her just a bit. Her response was to hold onto me tighter and press her tear stained face into my breasts, almost how a child would. I simply smiled and held her tighter again, my cheek resting on the top of her head.

“Why do you allow them to do this to you?” I whisper softly. I feel her shoulders jump a bit as she regains herself some, pulling away and looking up at me. “What do you mean?” She asks, dumbfounded and confused. She looked so broken and hurt. Just like a small puppy found in a trash can on the side of the street. “I mean that you allow them to have you until they are finished with you, then you are worthless to them,” I tell her gently. She was too kind and loving not to allow herself to get hurt. She watches me for a moment and her tears slowly fade. I smile down at her and wipe the streaks from her cheeks softly.

“Then show me what it’s like to not be hurt… Not to be used.” She challenged. Watching for my reaction, I blushed under her gaze. She moves and straddles me, her arms around my neck. I close my eyes and allow her to press her lips into mine. Not ever having done this before, I was unsure of what to do. I wrapped my arms around her waist and deepened the kiss.

This was so unlike her, taking the aggressive side of such intimate contact. I pulled away and looked up at her, my breath slightly wavering. “What’s gotten into you?” I watched her eyes and she faltered, unsure if she had done something wrong. “Did…did you not want this?” She looked away and began to move a bit. My grip was iron at I locked one arm around her. She paused as my other hand met the cheek pointed away from me.

As I slowly slid my finger tip along her lower lip her head fallowed, looking back towards me. I smiled and watched her. I studied her lips. They were plump and a soft velvety pink. They held such tiny details my artist mind began sketching them over and over again. The darker crease between the two velvety petals, to the slight dip above her upper lip.

She continued to watch me as I moved past her lips up to her eyes. Those liquid blue eyes glazed over with some emotion I don’t dare put a name to. Each darker streak from the pupil a deep ocean blue, holding their own little secret story in each. How I wanted to know each of those stories, beyond any truth they could hold. The darker outline around the icy blue like the destruction after the storm.

My own eyes moved further, away this time. To look at the whole of her face. Around her eyes were red, but not puffy. That had passed. Now is was just a gentle red, telling the world that her mind had been stained with tears. Tear stained cheeks added to her delicate features, more soft red to betray her curios eyes. She watched me, seeming to wait for something.

I pulled back a bit more and let my eyes wander further down, to her neck. The soft skin there, waiting to be marked or caressed. The gentle indent of the tendons showing that she had been breathing a bit hard, gasping for air even. I let my finger trail down from her face along that beautiful neck of her’s, tracing the tendons while doing so.

A soft gasp escaping her lips made my eyes shoot to her’s, watching and waiting myself now. I had gotten a reaction out of her and now my own body demanded more. My mind clouded with lust for her now. She looked at me, still unsure. I smile and lean forward, kissing those lips I have just studied so intently. As my tongue slips gently along her lower lip, she opens her mouth. I slip my tongue in and explore what my eyes cannot see. I wanted to know everything about her and my body demanded it.

Ok!!! So, this is obviously lesbian. There's more, though!!! In a comment or whatever, I want someone to add to it. Not just add on, but write the other half to this story. I've written from the perspective from the partner who WAS NOT crying. Now I want someone else to write from the perspective of the partner who WAS crying. After you have retold what happened on your end, add to it. As much as you like. Then I will rewrite that part in this perspective and add on. Then you repeat, I repeat, we see where it leads. I, personally, think it sounds fun!
Now, I don't mind if more than one person does this. I will reply to each one. Just put up ur own LJ post from ur perspective labeled "Dying Wishes and Living Dreams P2" I'll be checking LJ every day or every other day. ^-^ I'm wondering if anyone will be honestly interested. (I have those I suspect, but I'm not sure... I'm hoping someone answers!!!! I really am, cause this sounds really fun to me.)

Kesh

2008-04-16T07:13:22Z

This is Kesh right now. I'm only posting on Steph's journal because I've already forgotten the password and name of my own. This is so much easier than figuring it out. I've LJ Cut so that I don't interupt others' pages. So forgive me if I cause you a bit of trouble. The only other reason I'm posting is because Steph has asked me to and because I've been thinking alot lately. About many many things.

I still chuckle to myself when I think about Madi, but that could be because she's been so abnormally foolish. I have recently read a blog journal that she had posted on Myspace quite awhile ago, saying thankyou. I was slightly suprised, honestly. Nearly made me want to ask why, exactly, she would want to say such things. I was also suprised at her words, pretty much calling some people worthless. The human mind baffels me, really. Why do some people not think of what their actions do to others? Steph does, I believe Anne does, and I'm reasonably sure Mikayla does. I can't say much about any one else because I don't exactly know them. I'm just amazed at how things are seeming to work out. I don't understand it. Why, on Lord's Earth, are people so damned selfish? Selfish beyond "normal". Such as doing something, expecting absolutly no concequences, and then when they find out that they excist, they expect to get by scott free. Why? I don't get it. And some people wanting so much out of one person without returning anything. Or worse, going off and expecting more out of other people while they're still "draining" the first. Simply amazes me.

I've also gotten back into contact with my dear younger sister. She's turned out to be a beautiful young woman. At the age of 20 now. Simply gorgeous. I've taken her into my home and have been showering her with gifts and small trinkets, trying my hardest to keep her happy. She sometimes tries to refuse them, but takes them none the less. She tells me that I've no need to do such things, but I enjoy it. I want her to be as happy as possable. I'm in Kazuki's debt for finding her and getting her out of the situation she was in. I still blame myself for that ever happening in the first place.

I'd also like to thank three girls who have melted the ice encasing my soul. Steph, Anne, and Mikayla. You three have done so much for me, even if it seemed so little. Steph showing me both true and false love, Anne showing me that no matter what she could support someone who disliked her, and Mikayla, her simple and fun loving ways. You've all had an impact on me, believe it or not. I'm in debt to you three one way or another. So thankyou.

I think that might be all for now.

A plus side to life.

2008-04-02T09:16:35Z

So life has been good for me, to be honest. I got to spend time with my Panda today, which was wonderful. It was really nice. It seems to ease my mind a bit to know that no matter how much stress and strife I have, the next time I see her I get to be held. Held knowing for a fact that there's more behind it all than simple friendship. If we were to end it with eachother, that'd be fine. But I see this lasting longer than expected. Perhaps not forever, but long enough to satisfy me. I mean, we ARE each going our own ways. Which is fine. But just to know that when she holds me I'm actually being held is enough for me. At least for now. So far so good! ^-^

I know that Josh will be stepping into the picture soon, though, and I will have to tempt everything that's been happening. I know I DO get the freedom with him when he visits that I desire, thanks to my Panda. I talked to her about me and him and she knows what's going on and what might happen. I also talked to Josh before I dated her and decided to go for it. He understands that I will have that freedom when I see him and accepts it. I love him at least as much as I do Mikayla. I'd never let his friendship go, no matter what were to happen. I'm confident that both him and Mikayla understand at least the jist of the situation. I'm feeling so much better lately, though, it's suprising. I love being in a relationship that I can see honestly going somewhere. I get that from both Mikayla and Josh, and I'm going to find out where it takes me. It just feels like so many doors are opening up around me and I love that feeling.

I'm starting GED classes on the 7th. Or at least going to try to. On the 7th I have to go take the test to see where they place me or what they need to teach me. I'm really getting ready to do this, believe it or not. I'm finally setting my feet on the path of life and taking those first steps. Tiny steps, but steps. I'm confident I'm ready for what life gives me. I know that I will have my family and friends behind me. With that, I'm nearly untouchable. I believe myself to be ready, but that could always change. I'm going to put that stubborness I have to a good use and try to push through life into the open. I believe that this is what I want.

demons_haven101 @ 2008-03-23T21:37:00

2008-03-24T04:39:27Z

demons_haven101 @ 2008-03-05T16:53:00

2008-03-05T23:54:22Z

demons_haven101 @ 2008-03-05T16:19:00

2008-03-05T23:20:24Z

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.- Aristotle

2008-02-25T12:10:00Z

What happens when the last time you remember seeing someone and seeing how they looked at you, then the next time you look at them, it completely changes? I know I may do just that to Mikayla... I don't exactly want to, but with certain people I never let my eyes lie. She's one of them.

I know the last time she saw my eyes I simply felt hurt, of course, but I also had a hint of knowing. I knew it was going to happen, and she knew full well that I myself knew. Before that, though, I held only warmth for her in my eyes. Smiling and everything else. Now, though, I'll have cold eyes towards her. I know I will, because that's how I am. I don't want to, by all means, but I know I will. Let's hope she gets to see my eyes change for the better this time.

I've been told I have a peircing stare. I wish I actually knew if I did or not or when I did, even. Then I would know when to truly soften my eyes when it called for such. For this post, I'd mostly like to know if I really do have peircing eyes/ a peircing stare or not. If I do, then give me an example if you can.

Body language and eyes never lie, lol.

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.- Ella W. Wilcox

2008-02-20T10:22:38Z

I've been in an abnormally good mood these past few days. Since I've been with Ryo I've been alot less...stressed? Lol. Anne will know what I mean. XD But, man, he's a great guy. I really do love him, believe it or not. But both of us agreed on a few certain things. ^-^ So I'm still looking for someone, but I'm taking my sweet time about it. He's just...wow. I'm almost speachless when it comes to him, lol. He makes me laugh, smile, cry, happy, angery...all at once. If I could describe him in one word? Undescribable.

When I've talked to Trent recently I sound really cold and harsh, but I'm not. I don't mean it like that at all, and the way he acts tells me it hurts him. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need to get to know him all over again. I don't know...><

With Mikayla? I love the girl to death, but damn. I have NO idea what's going on with her. Don't know what to do with her either.

*sigh* But I'm still in a good mood!!! XD I'M GETTING MY TONGUE PEIRCED AND MY TATTOO SOON. Ok, I'm done...

Why I'm excited. XD

2008-02-19T09:25:18Z

I'm freakin excited as all get out!!! Omg... I'm getting my tongue peirced, for certain. That alone makes me giddy. It's just so exciting. I'm getting it done on thursday, I believe. It's just...wow...exciting. Oh, oh, and then there's the fact that I'm turning 18! I mean, I'm always excited about a birthday, but this time I get something that I've always wanted... A tattoo. XD Yay-ness! Or as my good buddy Travis would say: "Fag tastic!" lol I'm finally getting my tattoo... heh... Oh, and I'm going to sketch a picture for Travis' birthday, which that alone is exciting. ^-^ I get to sketch a jew-fro... (No, he's not actually a jew. Just a guy with a white man fro.) I'M JUST ALL SORTS OF EXCITED!!!!!!! I'm in an extremely good mood, can't ya tell? XD

Never forget what you once had

2008-02-14T00:15:39Z

So, things are sorta looking up for me, I think. I'm more or less over past relationships and what not. I know I want to go for Anne but I'm still unsure about that. I'm actually almost ready to just leave it for a good while. I know she's confused and isn't QUITE sure of exactly what she wants, which I understand. I know what happened before really hurt her, I understand that. It took a hard blow to both of our feelings for eachother, I'm sure of that much. I'm giving her pleanty of time to rethink things. I need it too, so it's all good. I'm not 100% sure of what I want either, so I'm seriously giving these things some thought. As long as she is comfortable with her choice then I'm fine. I'm just going to leave it for however it goes. ^-^ No matter what I'm there for her, so no worries, eh?

I talked to Trent last night. It was a pretty good talk too, I think. He told me that because I'm thinking things through so much that it's a sign that I honestly care that much. It made me smile when he said it, made me feel a bit better about a few things. So, yeah...I think that's sorta about it with that.

I'm getting my tongue re-peirced!!!! Which is exciting. This time I'm certainly going to keep it, though. I just gotta be sure I get a new bar rather than keep the starter bar. Last time I kept the starter bar in it tore my tongue up because it was so long. I've learned, lol. So this time I will be getting a new one right away and once it heals I'll switch it out. Oh man, I can't believe I'm getting it back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's exciting for me. I'll have something to play with again....*grins*

Well, that's about it. Love you all!!!!!! XD

Death and Truth

2008-01-29T01:55:41Z

I could only watch as my mouth opened with a silent scream. He was going to tear her apart! No matter how much I screamed and struggled, I was still held down by those invisible bonds. Fear was over powering my senses. Her blood touched my face, dripping down my soft skin. She was dead and gone, no longer in this world of mine.

He smiled as he turned to me, her body slumping to the floor with a soft thud. I could hear by own heart beat and the rush of blood with each powerful stroke of the muscle. He came to one knee in front of me, lifting my chin up lightly. “Do not fear me, my love, for you are mine. I would not harm something so precious to me,” he said to me gently. Finally, I could tear my eyes away from her form. This beast, this creature, had taken the one thing that mattered to me.

The back of my eyes began to sting as I looked into his own cold, harsh and hate-filled ones. I couldn’t bring myself to be angered with him. The thought passed through my mind only for a brief moment, just enough to know it was there at one time. Then it was gone, forever forgotten. I studied his face with my gaze, wonder just what he was thinking.

“Don’t worry, love. You will learn to love me.” He then lifted me to my feet and into his arm, holding me close to him. The only thing warm against me was her blood on his cold flesh. I looked over his shoulder into her lifeless eyes. They seemed accusing and hurt. She was blaming me, I know it! She no longer cared for me, did she? All because I knew. I knew very well whom she loved. I knew very well she would never have that one person, but I stayed with her. I had no choice, for I loved her back. I would just never have to learn to love this man who killed her, for I have always loved him.

So, this was a random story-ish thing that I decided to write. I don't know what to think of it yet.

Hmm.

2008-01-27T00:51:19Z

This is kinda weird. After all this drama was thrown around and what not, I feel kinda alone. I mean, I've been hanging out with my boyfriend and his best friend more than with my own best friends. Kinda sad, to say the least. Granted, I love to hang out with my boyfriend and his friend! Actually, I don't have that much of a problem with it. It's the fact that I can't help but feel like I lost a tiny peice of myself through all this. Kinda difficult to explain fully. I almost feel like I'm being avoided, mostly. Granted, I'm not talking to them either, but that's because the last times I tried to talk to them they kinda...went off in the oposite direction I expected. I figure I'll leave them alone untill they decide they have something new to say to me and hope for the best. I miss one of them horrably, actually. No...two of them. The third I never got to spend a whole lot of time with so, this isn't anything too new for me. Eh. But with one of them they're busy in a relationship, so I can understand. But the last one I feel not ignored by...but avoided. I'm actually doing pretty good after what happened and want to get things settled that were left untouched. I want all the cards on the table so I know. No more hiding things up the sleeve kinda thing. I think I've threw all my own cards on the table. And if I find a new one, then I'll toss that one out there as well. I'm willing to answer questions and everything. I'm even willing to ask questions if I have any. (I don't right now, but I might.) Mental break downs are a pain in the ass, really... >.>

Ok, on a more cheery note!! I saw Meet the Spartans. One of the stupidest movies ever, but it was funny! Lol. I even met two people, which is pretty cool I guess. I doubt I'll ever feel the urge to get to know them, but they seemed pretty cool. One of them was freakin hallarious, though. She's so tiny and what not, but she was ready to rip someone's head off! Talking all this shit and stuff...one of the funniest things ever. It was great. Then we saw two fights at the mall. Also funny. The first one looked like it was between two 6th graders. The second was between two black kids. The first one was great, though!! They were hitting eachother and what not, then as soon as one of them saw a yellow security guard shirt, he took off. He booked it outta there, it was great! Thinking about it makes me want to giggle like a fairy boy wearing a skirt on a saturday night with his boyfriend. XD

Eh, so all in all, there's some of my thoughts! ^-^

Wow...i mean wow....

2008-01-25T07:36:17Z

Holy hell... 98% correct of how I feel right now. I mean wow.... I'm amazed!!!!! XD

demons_haven101 @ 2008-01-25T00:26:00

2008-01-25T07:27:38Z

Lol...I swear I'm done with chicks. At least for a good long while.

Blah-ness of doom

2008-01-25T00:07:58Z

Ok, so, yeah...I'm cool. random mental break down that was waiting to happen is now over, and I'm all cool. Back to my usual self! Whoo!!!! XD So....not much more to really say... Other than my mom wants me to pick up rocks...or what is fold clothes? Or both. O.o But this whole hiding and showing yourself...eh, a load of crap if you ask me. I hide from certain people, but show myself to others. Life goes on if they don't see. I think all I really needed was a good cry. Works for me if that's all it was!!! Now, what others think or feel is a different question. I'm not even going to attempt to believe I know what's going on with them. I'm here to listen and talk if they feel they need it. I know there's gotta be something going on with them towards me after all this, though....or it's what I suspect. Which is fine, as long as it's all taken care of soon. I've gotten news of someone wanted to try being my friend again, though. Willing to try, anywayz. Which is fine I guess. Still unsure about it, though. Makes me really really iffy.

So...anyway.... Call, txt, message me if you wanna talk. No worries, shit happens, life goes on. I'm over it and done! ^-^ I think I'm pretty much done with chicks, too.... Lol

Lost in wonder

2008-01-24T07:02:59Z

Wow. So, first time I cried in a long long time. I've been crying on and off all night....wow. I don't know what to think at the moment. Two of my friends show me that they almost seem to find me....fake in a way. Not saying that they really do, but that's the way it feels. I'm ready to just run away, in a sense. To just tell my parents I'm ready to pick up and leave, for them to send me to wisconsin. What's on my mind right now is how much I would love to just...leave. Start over new. I'm sick and tired of everything. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry if my feelings and actions confuse you. I'm sorry if you don't believe me when I tell you something with honesty. I'm simply just sorry, but I'm seriously tired of everything. All this drama and feelings being thrashed and torn. I made a choice to go with the guy I'm with now. So the fuck what? I'm still not 100% sure with anything. I'm an idiot when it comes to love and relationships. I just dont know what to do. I feel like every step I take is a mistake. I feel like I'm going to fall through the floor boards at any moment. I'm tired of...everything. Just everything. So many things have shown me so many different choices. If my choices hurt someone, I'm sorry. I can't help what has been done. Think what you want and go on with life. Simply because I act like I'm so laid back doesn't mean I'm not screaming in my head. I don't expect you guys to "know" me. I wouldn't expect that of anyone, really. I'd like it if someone could see. If someone could read me like a book, in some ways. I show people glimpses of myself. Yeah, ok. Doesn't mean I expect them to know me. I only want them to try and see for themselves. Yeah...I think I know for a sure fire fact that I'm moving. Leaving. Starting new. Not now, perhaps, but certainly when I can. See it as running away if you will. Shows just the kind of person I am, I guess. I'm just....I'm done. All I can really say. I still love certain people, but now I must pick up the peices yet again. This time not everything shattered, just the corner of my mirror. I no longer want all this....high school drama. I don't want any drama at all, actually. Who does?

...I'm off to bed...

If someone reads this and is hurt, it's not exactly my fault. It's your choice to read this or not.

You don't know me.

2008-01-24T05:18:32Z

You say I'm strong.
You say I don't care.
You say I use and lead you.

If I am strong,
Then I will hold you.
If I don't care,
Then I will show that I do.
If I lead you,
It's your choice to fallow.

Apparently you don't know me.

Finished, done, final, nothing more.

2008-01-24T04:53:36Z

I'm ready to scream.
I'm ready to bleed.
I no longer want to see,
What you mean to me.

Allow me to hide,
It's not worth this pain.

I'm ready to leave.
I'm ready to let go.
I no longer want this,
And I'm ready.

I can't take it.
I'm done.

Woo Hoo?

2008-01-23T03:04:30Z

Yay drama!! Makes life interesting. In short? I got a boy friend. Makes me wonderfully happy. Anne, still confused, was and i feel still is pissed, and now very upset. I dont know what to tell anyone. Trent is hiding the fact that he's depressed, nothing I can do about that. Not much more I want to say to the interweb.

Yay!

2008-01-22T23:20:20Z

I got a boyfriend. Makes me happy. That's all I really wanted to say.That, and he's laying next to me right now. ^-^

demons_haven101 @ 2008-01-16T20:36:00

2008-01-17T03:36:33Z

Different

2008-01-16T22:09:00Z

So, I'm single again. I can be overly honest and lovey with others now, so that's a plus. But, I did get a kick in the face. Mikayla brought over the guy she left me for to break up with me. Funny thing about it? This is almost exactly how I imagined it. We're friends, of course. Granted, I have a mild feeling she's going to feel akward around me for a little bit, but alls good. I'm not too hurt. It just stung a little bit, that's all. Life goes on and alls good, no worries. To set things off, though, I'm going to say a few things here and now.

First: Anne, I know you believe you like me and all, and I know you're horrably confused. Just go with what you want and what you desire most. If you want to stay with Sakito, have at it. If you want to find someone else, go for it. Either way, it's your choice.

Second: Mikki, I still love you, but get over it. Lol. This doesn't change a damned thing between us.

Third: Bekki...I have no idea. I still like you and I can't figure out why for the life of me. I want to and yet I don't at the same time. It'd be nice if we could talk about this and all, so...yeah...

Fourth: I just wanted to write "forth" cause it's a niffty word and number. 2 in 1. XD